Episode 9

The real Italian drug

This content, it is translated in English because it is of worldwide relevance. Thank you.
In the Italian culture drug has always played a central role since the days of the ancient Romans who get stoned (si sballavano) of red wine and glue before going into battle.
In this field there is a lot of misinformation, a foreign tourist who comes to Italy to have fun will get bored because he do not know how to find funny substances and ends up getting drunk in the hotel room spending a lot of money in minibar.

With the money I spent in minibar I could have taken 3 bags of coke (stabu)…

We must make things clear.
These are the typical Italian ways in which you find and consume drug in Italy. Warning! Show this guide to your foreign friend on vacation in Italy but remind him that here too there are men dressed in blue who do not want to let you have fun and if they see that you are having fun they get angry (it’s not clear why, since they use to have fun too).

Where to find it

Finding drug in Italy is very easy because everyone take drugs also the politicians so really you just need to ask. The only thing is that you have to ask to the right person because if you ask the wrong type of drug to the wrong person in Italy is sure you will make a bad end.
If you get the right drug from the right person is almost certain that you’ll end up consuming it together without any kind of violence.
The type of drug-person combinations:

Marijuana/hashish

Old people, people who seem poor.

Cocaine

Servants of the state, lawyers.

Heroin

People with the Balenciaga.

MDMA

Tennis lovers.

Methamphetamine

Filipinos, young women with acne.

LSD

Tech students.

Ketamine

People with Air Max and expensive tracksuits.

Bases

Old people dressed like young people.

How to call it on the phone

If you need to interact on the phone with a provider of funny substances that provides different kinds of funny substances you must call the funny substance that interests you in a somewhat secret way (antisgamo) in order to be understood only by some people (the servants of the state understand everything).
A bit of names to use:
Marijuana/hashish: jagan, dawee, broccoli, mofu, moffo.
Cocaine: jivindi, gigia, bugiarda, barella, bamba, bianca, svelta, cocco, scaglia, stabu (metonymy), pezzo (synecdoche).
Heroin: gatta, gnugna, gialla, bubba, roba.
MDMA (ecstasy): chicche, cale, calabroni, paste.
Methamphetamine: hawaii, shabu, speed.
LSD: trip, carta, cartone.
Ketamine: caterina, special K, kit kat, kate.
Bases: cotto, dolcetto, basucchio, stagnole (metonymy).

How to use it like a real italian

There are some rules about the consumption of funny substances like a real italian that are passed down from generation to generation. The place where consumption can be the house, the car, the bathroom, the car park, you decide, but it is very important that you follow some rules if you want to use drug like a real Italian.

Marijuana/hashish

To consume marijuana/hashish like a real italian you must provide a €300 cilum (3 gambe), recommended brands: Alverman. To smoke it you must first light it up with the scooter: place the cilum in front of the muffler and light it while someone rev up.

Cocaine

Also to consume cocaine like a real Italian is important the presence of a scooter. Detach the mirror from a scooter (then I highly recommend to return it because ok doing drug but responsibly). For crumbling (schiangare) like a real Italian you need a Fidaty Esselunga card (you can just go to any Esselunga, it’s free). The other card can be whatever you want, but at least one must be a Fidaty.

Heroin

Heroin like a real Italian is consumed in the Venezia-Mestre station on a bench or in an apartment next to the Venezia-Mestre station.

MDMA

Inside a 16,000 square meters industrial warehouse where the music is really loud.

Methamphetamine

The methamphetamine can be assumed in various ways but the typical Italian way is nasally. The reason is that Italians have a big nose for morphological reasons and therefore tend to use it often (in fact in Italy someone invented the naseruola™, that is a muzzle for the nose as you can see in the photo).

LSD

At work, if you do not have a job you can get on in black to take LSD.

Ketamine

To take ketamine as a real Italian you simply have to mix it with at least three other funny substances (alcohol doesn’t count).

Bases

While listening to an old Neffa record and reading AELLE.
Now you know how to find and use drug like a real Italian. I recommend to have fun responsibly and always move with the Taxi (one of the real Italian ways of transport).
The UNOTRE’s guide to Italy will continue in the next episode! You’ll soon discover the truth about so many other things we do in this wonderful country.